tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27031393924009020932024-03-13T05:29:13.035-07:00into the fray...confessions of a junior doctor: a soon-to-be FY1 on life, work and madnessDr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.comBlogger60125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-40537734624807005682007-07-29T06:57:00.000-07:002007-07-29T09:02:50.573-07:00The end is nighSo, after thinking about it for a few days, I have decided that this blog is not really going in the direction I would like it to, so I won't be posting here any more. If anyone is interested in reading <a href="http://www.walkingwithalimp.wordpress.com">my new blog</a>, feel free, but it won't be a 'medical' blog, but more of a 'thoughts about life' blog.<br /><br />Oh dear, I sound like a hippie. Sorry.<br /><br />Anyway, it's been fun being a medical blog, and I'll still read medical blogs, but I don't think I'm really contributing much and the confidentiality issues are far too complex, so I'm jumping ship!<br /><br />so farewell, it's been fun. you are welcome to join me in the new world!Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-7322531250345764902007-07-26T06:24:00.000-07:002007-07-26T07:03:55.375-07:00Funerals, flooding, rotas and toothache...a random mixture!Back home now, Oxford was pretty flooded and I've heard it got worse after I left which is bad - Aaron and I went to look at his next house (his lease is up in August) which was on the other side of one of the flooded streets, so we had to take our shoes and socks off and roll up our jeans and wade through it all! Aaron's house is ok, not flooded, but some of his old flatmates had to move out of their new house because of the flooding - it's pretty bad down there. <br /><br />Aaron has a hard time staying away from scary situations! When we were in Israel last summer, we got bombed by a couple of katyusha rockets on our first day, and, rather than going to a shelter (there weren't any) or a basement or something, we all went to the roof to have a good look! Not content with this, Aaron was all for running down the hill to where the rocket hit to have a look - he was the same with the flooding, couldn't stay away in the safe bit but had to go wading in! Nutter...<br /><br />Anyway, no trains were running but I managed to get a lift up to Birmingham with my dad who was travelling from Heathrow for the funeral. All a bit complicated, but got there in the end. <br /><br />The funeral was my dad's uncle's, but he was only 62 and it was pretty sudden so quite sad. It went as well as could be expected though, and I got to spend some time with my dad's aunt and cousins (who are more my age - there's a big gap between siblings so the generations are a bit mixed up) which was really good. It's a shame about the circumstances though. <br /><br />And now, I'm back home with horrible toothache so I'm going to the dentist tomorrow - is it acceptable to be scared of dentists when you're a doctor?! I just hate the noises and I hate having stuff in my mouth and I REALLY hate then putting needles in my gums, there's no squidge there! Will stop being a wimp though, I need to go and get my dodgy tooth sorted...<br /><br />Oh, I said I'd mention my rota...briefly, it's a bit weird - I start with 2 days annual leave which is annoying when I already feel like I'm on death row, I just want to get started! Then I seem to be working 4 weekends of the next 8, and I have several days of 'zero hours' which I assume are days off, but I think they are just to keep the rota a bit more compliant than it would be otherwise. Still, it seems a bit all-or-nothing - I work a lot of long shifts in a row, then a weekend, then I have a few days off. I don't know what the other people on my ward's rotas are like, I guess they are pretty similar. Very strange!Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-68002718527620486792007-07-22T13:24:00.000-07:002007-07-23T04:19:46.245-07:00Travel and TormentSo about that road trip...I decided to go to Oxford by rail instead! Only this has caused its fair share of problems - firstly I went to the station and they told me that there were no trains running south of Birmingham. So after some huffing, I went home. And sat on the doorstep for 40 mins because I'd left my keys at home so my mum could drive my car while I was away (but heaven help her if she scratches it!!). <br /><br />Then I phoned my friend in Oxford (his name is Aaron) and asked him what he thought I should do, and he phoned a lot of people, and eventually I went back to the station and got on a train which was going all the way to Oxford. All good.<br /><br />Until we got to York and they announced that the train would be terminating at BIRMINGHAM. Grrrrrrrrr at Virgin!<br /><br />So I had to call my long-suffering friend who very kindly agreed to drive up to Brum and pick me up. What a star.<br /><br />When we got to Brum, I asked a guy at the information desk where cars could pull up as I was trying to get to Oxford, and he said, 'oh, this bloke here's going to Oxford too', so I was introduced to a lovely young guy who assured me he wasn't a serial killer rapist or anything and turned out to be a History student at Leicester on his way back from a TA training weekend in Aberdeen. Anyway, he provided amusement and conversation until Aaron arrived and drove us both back to Oxford. So you see it worked out ok in the end.<br /><br />And now, it's Monday - yesterday, I went with Aaron round the colleges, sneakily avoiding all the tourists by waving Aaron's student card at the many security people, and wow, were they amazing! I felt kind of stupid wandering about in all the academic glory of these gorgeous old buildings, and kept having to tell myself 'you're a doctor, you are not stupid' - the Oxford mantra, I think!<br /><br />Anyway we had a nice day wandering about, it didn't really rain and there were lots of tourists to avoid and awesome buildings to see. <br /><br />And today, the Thames and the Ouze are both flooding and I may well get stuck here! The trains from Oxford to Birmingham all go through Banbury, which is totally under water, and there are no replacement buses, so it looks like the only chance to get back is to get a lift to Brum again and go from there. Aaron's working at the moment (he's a med student, grad fast track so back early!) so I might have to think again.<br /><br />In other news, my rota is apparently FINALLY winging its way to me through cyberspace and should be in my inbox in half an hour or so when the lady I called about it finished whatever she was doing. More on that after I've scrutinised it...Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-20800492571593322822007-07-17T09:13:00.000-07:002007-07-18T04:44:24.156-07:00Vehicular bliss!Aaaah, I am in love with my new car! It's soooooo nice, it is smooth and handles beautifully and it's so pretty, I am a happy girl!<br /><br />Now, for those of you who are very observant, you may notice that this post has changed since you read it before...<br /><br />Basically I was planning a big road trip down to Oxford to see a friend, then to Birmingham to see another friend and go to a funeral, but I'm having doubts...<br /><br />I blame my mother really! She suggested that it might not be the wisest idea to drive for several hundred miles alone in a new car when the (quite considerable I've worked out) petrol money will be coming out of my overdraft. So I've thought about it and maybe she's right - I've never driven this far (I've only had my license 6 months after all) and perhaps it would be better to do it with someone else for the first time rather than on my own. <br /><br />Anyway I haven't decided for definite yet, promise I will commit my indecisive self to something soon!Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-67276016726557243522007-07-12T09:16:00.000-07:002007-07-12T09:32:51.777-07:00Vehicular nightmaresMan, having a car is a stressful business. We phoned and confirmed the car this morning which is awesome, and we have to go do the paperwork tomorrow and can pick it up on tuesday which is great. <br /><br />Unfortunately now I have to enter the tedious world of insurance! I got a quote from <a href="DI AMO 4577795">a leading four-sided company</a> which was much better than the other ones - bearing in mind this is my first car, I have had my license for 6 months and I've been on my parents' policy so don't have a no-claims bonus yet. So I went onto the website having got a quote from a <a href="http://www.confused.com/?MediaCode=294&gclid=CLnSvZq3oo0CFQnUlAodV2DV3A">baffle-free-we-get-all-the-quotes-for-you site</a>, and lo and behold, it wouldn't take my password, so I had to call them up. When I get through, I am told that the quote I have been given is only valid if I pay IN ONE GO, as if I have £712.98 lying around! Was very cross, the price if I pay monthly is £170 more than this but I don't have that kind of money. <br /><br />Grrrrrrrrr. Back to the electronic drawing board I think.<br /><br />The other thing about this car is, it's pristine. I'm used to driving a slightly battered Nissan Almera which has rusty bits and scratched bits and a dent where my brother backed it into a lamppost after going to see a particularly exciting Pirates of the Carribean showing. So if I scratch yon Nissan, tis not a big deal. Or at least it is easily hidden. Or blamed upon somebody else. But if I scratch the new shiny car which is mine and mine alone, I have nobody to blame but myself! Also I have never driven a Ford, what if the clutch is weird and I drive it into a wall the first time I try to get it out of the shop?! Can I just get it home and then just leave it in the driveway and not drive it and polish it lots?!?!?<br /><br />I think having nothing to do is playing havoc with my rational thinking faculties - I keep playing over and over all the terrible things which could happen to this pretty car in my hands and wondering if it's a bit too much responsibility and perhaps I should just leave it in the drive!<br /><br />My word, if I can't handle having a car, how on earth am I going to cope with being a doctor and having to make decisions about people?! Or owning a house? Or (heaven forfend for the next 10 years or at least until I'm a registrar) having a baby?!?!<br /><br />Oh what a disaster I am, I think I'll go and play the piano to calm down a bit!<br /><br />Sorry for the slightly hysterical rant, will be calmer next time I promise!<br /><br />PS Thanks for the comments people, it's great to know that people actually read this sometimes!Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-32371470357568228382007-07-11T13:47:00.000-07:002007-07-11T14:14:39.002-07:00Graduation day!Yesterday was graduation day at my uni, and a good day was had by all. The weather was good, the gowns were appropriately Harry Potter-like, the ceremony was mercifully shorter than last time I graduated, and we didn't have to sing in Latin again which was a bonus! The garden party was champagne-filled, and in the evening I went out for dinner with my family and my friend Elaine, her parents, and her flatmate Anna. <br /><br />Now I'm back home, and today was very exciting for several reasons:<br /><br />Firstly, I went to look at a <a href="http://www.speedace.info/automotive_directory/car_images/Ford_Fiesta_mk6_hatchback_car.jpg">car</a> with my dad, and I think we are gonna buy it which is awesome! I am very happy, it's a great car, and it's pretty which is good, and the reverse is in the right place (down right, opposite 5th, not push-down-and-in-first-ish) which is brilliant.<br /><br />Secondly, I went to a financial advisor and learned all about ISAs, which was really interesting - I am loving the finances. <br /><br />Thirdly, while I was out doing the above, my mum had a go at my pigsty room that I've been struggling with for weeks and made it beautiful in like 2 hours! It must be a mum thing. <br /><br />So anyway it's been a good day.<br /><br />Now I am watching <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Election_%281999_film%29">Election</a>, I'd forgotten how funny it is! More another time.Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-52727287529791391652007-06-29T08:08:00.000-07:002007-06-29T08:44:11.486-07:00Alcohol, my permanent accessoryAlcohol, a party-time necessity,<br />Alcohol, alternative to feeling like yourself - <br />Oh alcohol, I still drink to your health...<br /><br />...oh, hello, didn't see you there. Bonus points for guessing the <a href="http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/barenaked+ladies/alcohol_20013389.html">song</a> and the <a href="http://www.dissonskating.com/our_events/images/BNL%20for%20web.jpg">artist</a>!<br /><br />It's been a crazy week. I've been following the FY1s who are on the ward I'm going to start on, trying to learn the ropes and how things work. I've met lots of nice people (I had heard that BCI was not the friendliest of places but everyone's been lovely so far, including all the consultants), everyone's really friendly and the two girls I'm working with are really cool, I think we'll get on well. There are some oddities about how things work in this hospital compared with University Hospital, but I think that would happen anyhere. And yes, I have got lost a lot!<br /><br />Parking at BCI is extortionately expensive and there aren't really any alternatives to park - there's a housing estate close by in which you might get a space if you're lucky, but otherwise it's a bit of a nightmare. Thankfully I only live 2 miles away, so I've been walking there and back this week. I've actually really enjoyed it, I like the fresh air, the exercise, the fact that there are lots of trees on the roads I walk along, and the fact that I can have some free thinking time before the day starts. I'm planning to walk to work in August when we start as long as it's still light, except perhaps on late days. Or when it's chucking it down.<br /><br />My ward is GI, which I was expecting, but what I wasn't expecting was it being only upper GI, and the fact that the vast majority of my patients are alcohol enthusiasts and look like a cross between <a href="http://www.fi-donc.nl/collectibles/wdcc/2001/twdldee&dum.jpg">Tweedle Dum/Dee</a> and <a href="http://tn3-1.deviantart.com/fs8/300W/i/2006/165/e/2/homer_simpson_on_a_chair_by_HamJava.jpg">Homer Simpson</a>! Alcoholic hepatitis is the order of the day for most of them, with a few scary alcohol-associated things which give me The Fear and involve a lot of management about which I know nothing. Oh, and just in case life gets boring, half of them have <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Esophageal_varices">varices</a> and like to puke their circulating blood volume all over the place. This has happened a couple of times this week, with one fatality and a couple of ITU transfers. I am pretty scared of this too. The only non-alcoholics have oesophageal cancer, which is not particularly cheerful either. Good grief, this was not quite what I had in mind. Must read some books before I start and the fate of these people rests considerably on my decisions!<br /><br />Anyway, I'm still missing my social life but I've been really knackered this week and I still have a lot of stuff to sort out at home - still unpacking, oh the misery - and I'm trying to be realistic about it. I can't expect to make friends as good as my friends from uni in a week, but I've met some nice people and I've managed to get in touch with a few people at the church I mentioned <a href="http://doctorconfessional.blogspot.com/2007/06/nerves-and-missing-uni.html">before</a> who are going to introduce me to some more people. All good. I am Joey, Networker Extraordinaire.<br /><br />Right now, I'm going to try and do something about the dreaded unpacking so that I can actually see enough of my bedroom floor to hoover it!Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-53050904681041535782007-06-24T05:17:00.000-07:002007-06-24T05:48:35.061-07:00Nerves and missing uniBack in the rainy UK now, after a very scary flight! Seriously, the most turbulence I have ever experienced, actually thought we were coming down a few times, people were screaming and everything. Not so nice. Consequently I got no sleep at all, though I went to bed for a few hours in the afternoon after I got back. Feeling back to normal today after a nice rest.<br /><br />This morning I went to church. Not an unusual thing for a Sunday morning, but this week was the first week I have been to church in this city since moving here. I have provisionally decided to go to a large, pretty lively church which is connected to the one I grew up in (same denomination and many decades ago they were the same church before it got too big and split into two, one suburban and one in the city), but at the moment they are doing up their building bigtime so are moving about locations in the city. It's usually in the university halls, there's a big room there, but this week it met in the city centre.<br /><br />It's a great church, it's really lively and there are lots of people about my age and lots of families and stuff, but it also has the usual problems of a massive church - how to break in! It's so big that you don't often meet the same people twice, and today I didn't know anybody, I sat on my own and nobody talked to me which was a bit crap, though what with the new location and stuff it must be hard to tell who's new, but it sucks to go to church alone and leave alone without having talked to anybody. I'm gonna go again tonight, so hopefully I'll have more luck then! I think the way to do it is to join a homegroup - I guess the nice thing about moving is that I no longer have any evening commitments so I'm free to arrange things. I know one guy who runs a homegroup (didn't see him this morning but I know he works funny shifts) so perhaps I'll try to go to that. <br /><br />Missed my old church at uni quite a lot, and it's just starting to strike me that I'm actually completely sans social life at the moment since I don't know anybody here! Will have to put on my Sociable Hat and go to lots of things where I don't know anybody and try to make some friends without feeling like a total pratt! <br /><br />Tomorrow I'm shadowing at Big City Infirmary - I'm pretty nervous to be honest, but also a little excited, it will be great to see the place I'm going to be working and to ask all the silly questions I need to ask and to meet the people I'm going to be working with (another sociable opportunity!). It feels like everything I do and everything I go to in the next few weeks is going to feel like being the new kid at school - the majority of people who are shadowing at BCI trained here so will probably know each other, but hopefully I'll meet some people and we'll get on well.<br /><br />Sorry to air all my insecurities here, and sorry nothing that interesting is happening, I'm just trying to settle in and build a life I guess! Will post about shadowing if it provides something blog-worthy!Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-49362834453285986032007-06-20T13:15:00.000-07:002007-06-20T13:31:59.627-07:00In dispraise of cockroachesHey ho people, I know there are a few out there - and I have cancelled my sitemeter thing because after my previous rant I got several comments and still it registered no visits, so I ditched the useless piece of junk, it wasn't helping my ego!<br /><br />Anyway, here I sit in my parents' living room under the sweet, sweet air-con after everyone else has gone to bed, swatting away the very persistent mosquito which seems intent on getting a piece of me and feeling pretty pleased with myself for managing to swim around in a pool all day and not get burnt! Lovely to see the parents, even if they still do my head in the way that only parents can, and lovely to get out of the rain! <br /><br />We've been battling the monsters here though - Catherine my travelling buddy and I had a fight with a massive cockroach last night after it had the audacity to sit on her Marie-Claire magazine and wink at her as she tried to go to bed! We have a can of magic bug spray which kills them dead but I think it's a bit like mustard gas for them, they go a bit mental before they die and scrabble around on their backs (always their backs, why?!) while we stand there and watch, feeling ashamed and villainous. I'd be a crap Buddhist. Anyway, the magazine just happened to be next to Catherine's toothbrush which was a bit of an issue - this bug spray does not smell good so I doubt it would taste good either - but after some obligatory squeaking we sprayed it lots and sure enough, the scrabbling began. Catherine pipes up in a wee plaintive voice, 'can we put it outside? I don't really want it dying in my room!' so we hatch a plan to scoop it out of the window. This plan fails when we can't find a dustpan - we have a long handled broom and neither of us is willing to get closer than the length of this broom, so in the end Catherine sweeps it down the stairs! She was sweeping one stair at a time, but since the floors are patterned marble and it was dark it was kind of hard to see this here roach, so eventually we swept it down about seven at once and out the front door. Drama over! Amazingly, we didn't wake the parents, despite all the squeaking. It was a BIG roach. It was. I'm not just being a wimp. Really.<br /><br />Anyway, I've just finished reading a great Ben Elton book called 'The First Casualty', I recommend it highly - I started it on saturday and finished it today, but I read another book in the middle about a guy who died for like 9 minutes and had a bit of an Ebenezer Scrooge experience, it was interesting but very far out. Now I'm gonna get back to the Jodi Picoult I was in the middle of before finishing Ben Elton became a priority so I could leave it for my mum! <br /><br />Sorry for the boring post, I'm using safari on a mac and it doesn't allow html so I can't do anything exciting. Well, that's one reason - the other is I'm on holiday and it's bedtime and I like bedtime!<br /><br />Back to the UK on friday night, get in at some ungodly hour (yes, 5:30am straight off a plane onto a bus then a train then another bus, grooo) on saturday morning and have to hoof it back from Even Bigger City to Big City and try to unpack some of the seven thousand boxes that still remain before shadowing on monday! More then, sure I will have some adventures getting lost in Big City Infirmary!Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-71241431333253683632007-06-14T13:35:00.000-07:002007-06-14T14:07:15.795-07:00Many, many thingsWow, it's been a crazy few days. I went to the grad ball extravaganza which was awesome but knackering, then the day after I got back I packed up my [mountains of!] stuff and moved house, which was not in the least bit fun and very knackering, and now I am surrounded by boxes and bags and stuff and I have to pack up and go again tomorrow!<br /><br />For tomorrow, ladies and gents, I am going to the sun to see the <a href="http://doctorconfessional.blogspot.com/2007/03/of-locusts-sunshine-and-family.html">lovely people</a> again! I am really looking forward to seeing them, though I am not really looking forward to being sweaty all the time (it's very warm there) and I'm not particularly looking forward to the 5-and-a-half hour flight - I get bored! But when I get there, I will have a week of parent time and I can't wait.<br /><br />I'm sad though, as well, because my friend was meant to be coming with me and due to (CRAPPY) circumstances (and medical school IDIOCY) beyond her control, she can't come. I amd GUTTED about this, as is she. Another friend was able to step in and buy the ticket which means nobody lost any money, so it worked out alright, but I feel so bad for my friend. <br /><br />But I'm trying not to dwell on the guttedness, and I don't want the friend who is coming instead to feel bad about taking the ticket, so I will mention it no more. I hope this doesn't offend anyone. <br /><br />For now, I found this silly quiz thing on <a href="http://imamedicalstudentgetmeoutofhere.blogspot.com/">this blog</a> and thought I'd do it, just because I feel like it!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Two names you go by:</span> Joey, Dr Joey<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Two things you are wearing right now:</span> Brown linen trousers, med school class of 2007 hoodie<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Two things you would want (or have) in a relationship:</span> Trust and patience<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Two of your favourite things to do:</span> Walk barefoot in grass, take long showers<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />Two things you want very badly at the moment:</span> my first paycheck, my stuff to be magically unpacked and all the crap that I don't need chucked out or given away!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Two pets you have had:</span> several guinea pigs, a rabbit<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Two people I would like to do this:</span> I don't really mind, and if my sitemeter is anything to go by then nobody actually reads this thing so I can say ANYTHING I WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Two things you did last night:</span> unpacked some boxes, cooked dinner for my roomies<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />Two things you ate today:</span> chicken and mint imperials (not together)<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Two people you last talked to:</span> parentals and Matt The Roomie<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Two things you are doing tomorrow:</span> Going to a big post office to get a passport application form for my dad who is running out of pages in his despite it not expiring for another 5 years, and flying out to the sun<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Two longest car rides:</span> from Uni Town to Big City, then tomorrow from Big City to Even Bigger City to catch the plane<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Two favourite holidays:</span> Last summer's elective was pretty darned awesome. And I love Cairo too.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Two favourite beverages:</span> Diet Coke and OJ with bits in!<br /><br />So there you go people, I did this without being tagged too, but that's because I am a rebel. And I'm defying my sitemeter!<br /><br />Anyhoo, I might post while in <a href="http://earthobservatory.nasa.gov/Newsroom/NewImages/Images/modis_cyprus.jpg">Sunland</a>, otherwise see you in a week!Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-35169222954461483832007-06-08T09:26:00.000-07:002007-06-08T09:45:57.450-07:00Finito!Today I finished medical school! This morning was the last of the preparatory foundation lectures, and, after a lunch provided by the dean (with proper food and cakes and everything) I cleaned out my locker (read: stuffed my not-been-worn-for-at-least-3-years white coats into my rucksack and chucked out several ancient editions of the Times) and got back my £5 deposit, and bid farewell to the hospital which has been my home for the past nearly six years. It was a strange moment, all things considered. I'm really happy to finally be finished, but I'm a little sad to be leaving behind all things familiar. And the best doctors' mess in the country, so I'm told!!<br /><br />Still can't really believe I'm leaving so soon...I'm moving to a city that I know like the back of my hand and yet I don't know anybody. I really hope the reputation that the medical students in Big City Infirmary have as being stuck up is not true! I know two guys who study there and neither of them are stuck up so maybe that bodes well! <br /><br />I haven't heard ANYTHING from the good people at BCI, not a peep. No contract, no rota (though I wasn't expecting that quite yet), no confirmation letter, nothing about the shadowing week coming up. I'm going away on friday for a week in the sun and shadowing is supposed to start the day after I come back, so hopefully something will come before I leave or I'll have to get on the phone!<br /><br />So yeah, the end of an era. The medics' grad ball is this sunday till tuesday, which I'm sure will provide a lot of madness - I'll share some tales when I get back, provided I'm in one piece!Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-26302880296155819052007-06-04T12:42:00.000-07:002007-06-04T13:28:09.054-07:00ohgoodheavensidon'tknowanythingToday was a bit of a crazy day, and by the end of it I realised once more that I did not know a damned thing!<br /><br />First off was a lecture about how to interpret and fix dodgy blood results (man I hate renal failure but I hate dodgy LFTs more and oh my word I'm on GI for some of my first block I am so screwed), then we had a lecture from two of the FY2s on what it's like starting work - one of them was a graduate of my uni, one was a graduate of the place where I'm going to work. The former was fairly positive and talked a lot about careers and stuff, the latter was less positive and said when she started work she had shadowed for 5 DAYS (compared with our 2 months) and so wasn't very organised for the first few weeks (oh hell, am I going to be expected to be really organised?!), and she basically scared the crap out of us - she apparently stayed till 10pm on every shift for a month and didn't know how to do anything. Ooooooooh goody now I can't wait to start!<br /><br />Then came a lecture on perioperative management, which wasn't that bad actually, but it was in the afternoon that it all got hairy!<br /><br />We had a scenario exercise where we rotated round 3 stations in groups and were taught on various aspects of acute management by some anaesthetists. The first room was fine, nothing we couldn't handle, just use of GCS and things.<br /><br />The second station was to do with management of respiratory problems - basically A and B of the ABC thing. Stupidly, I volunteered for the first scenario, and MAN WAS I CRAP. I managed to get an airway and find a suitable sized <a href="http://www.suru.com/guedel.htm">Guedel</a>, but couldn't explain how I sized it (knew it was something to do with the jaw and the chin/teeth but couldn't explain exactly, oh dear) and then put the patient on 100% non-rebreather (yes, he was breathing, I'm not a total dope) despite the fact that he had a past history of COPD (yes, that was correct too) but then when I auscultated I was told the patient had really crap air entry. By this time I was starting to freak a bit under the scrutiny of this here anaesthetist, and apparently my Reg was still 5 minutes away and my patient was going down the tubes, and the crash team anaesthetist was also 5 mins away so it was still down to me. I was faffing about trying to think of what to do while burbling something about getting lines in, and she was going, 'are you happy with breathing?' and I (having not seen the bag and mask lying on the side) was thinking, oh hell, what can I do now other than intubate which wouldn't help because the problem wasn't with the airway but with the lungs, but eventually found the bag and had my 'nurse' bag the patient. This helped a bit and got a nod from the anaesthetist so I could move onto circulation - oh dear, shocked patient, shut down, 2 large bore venflons, bloods off for FBC U&E clotting cultures and various other things, then fluids ('what?' - 0.9% saline, 'how much?' - 1 litre) then oh thank goodness my Reg arrived and I was saved and could take my seat again in shame for my poor performance! <br /><br />The next station was even worse - in fairness to us, it's really hard to run a peri-arrest with a dummy because they don't do anything and we never know whether we are supposed to just get on and do stuff or wait for the supervisor to tell us the clinical situation. Anyhoo, we started off and I have to say we were a bit crap! Because we haven't had any CPR training since the new guidelines came in, we are still a bit rubbish at them, so we were a bit unsure and a bit slow, and basically pretty scared!<br /><br />Question time saw one of my stupidest questions to date: 'if you charge the paddles to 360 and you don't need the shock after all how do you get rid of the charge?' - it turns out that you can just turn it down, but to do that you need several hands, and so I dug myself further into the hole and said, 'can you not just discharge them?' - OH WHAT A DUNCE apparently this is a sure-fire way to kill random people in the room! In my defence I had remembered that you could discharge the paddles at some point but couldn't remember if it was a good thing or a bad thing to put the paddles back on the machine beforehand (good!), and although it was a stupid question we were all thinking it and it was just me (as ever) who voiced it!<br /><br />Anyway the anaesthetist was really nice about it and said it was fine to ask dumb questions because when else could we ask, but I still felt like a pillock.<br /><br />RIGHT I'm not even going to read this post because I have just proverbially spewed it out in a big panic, so I will just post it and stuff the poor grammar and layout!<br /><br />The main message is, I am terrified again, I don't know anything and I am going to SUCK. But I will try soooooooo hard and dammit I will get there in the end.<br /><br />Repeat ad nauseum until you believe it!!Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-85200545966374258122007-06-03T13:01:00.000-07:002007-06-03T13:20:28.710-07:00State of annoyanceIn a fit of mental agility, my flatmate, her boyfriend and I decided to play the States Game (you know, the one where you have to name all of the states).<br /><br />We got off to a bad start when we couldn't agree on whether there are 50 states or 52.<br /><br />I think we did quite well for non-Americans. We got 48, but we realised that we'd made up 3 of them, so in actual fact we got 45. Apparently Arkansas and Arkansaw are the same place, there is no state of Chiboigan (I think it's a city), nor is there a state of Milwalkee or East Virginia (which is really stupid, because if there's a West Virginia and a Virginia then SURELY there should be an East one too). <br /><br />The ones we missed were Oregon, Maine, Nevada, Louisiana, Vermont, Wyoming and Utah.<br /><br />I was cross about the Vermont one because it's the place that Diane Keaton runs off to in <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092605/">Baby Boom</a>. We were all cross about Utah because it's massive and it's where the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mormon">Mormons</a> live. We were cross about Louisiana because of the <a href="http://www.lyricsdepot.com/chuck-berry/johnny-b-goode.html">many</a> <a href="http://www.lyricsfreak.com/p/paul+simon/that+was+your+mother_20105880.html">songs</a>.<br /><br />We agreed it would have been unlikely that we would have got Wyoming. And the boyfriend was upset that he didn't get Maine. <br /><br />But otherwise, we thought we did pretty well. <br /><br />Then we looked at state capitals...woah, bad idea! The capital of New York State is not, as one may think, New York City - it's Albany. The capital of California is not Loa Angeles or Hollywood, but in fact Sacramento. The capital of Florida is Tallahassee (come on! Is that even a word?!). And the one that bugged me most, the capital of Illinois is not Chicago, noooooooo, it's Springfield. Honestly!<br /><br />So we were all a bit annoyed about that and figured that unless we were planning to become American (no chance, too much of a faff to get a green card and we kind of like our wee island I think) then it wouldn't really make a great deal of difference to our lives if we didn't know the state capitals.<br /><br />I'm sure American people will think we are stupid, but hey, if <a href="http://www.thetvzone.net/friends/downloads/wallpapers/david.jpg">Ross Geller</a> can't get them all then how are we expected to?!?!?!Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-86832809082679762092007-06-01T14:00:00.000-07:002007-06-01T14:12:50.404-07:00FrazzleToday has been an annoying day - or rather I have been annoyed by a lot of things, often very irrationally. Some things were not even worth mentioning, like my darling flatmate using all the milk so I didn't get any breakfast (I know I could have eaten something else, but I didn't have any bread!), and like waiting in a queue for ages for some free stuff from the BMA only to be told to go into the lecture theatre as the lecture was starting when I was 2 people from the front! <br /><br />There were a few other things that really got me angry, but I don't want to mention them here really, they were just to do with attitudes, but it's not important and I'm positive I was more annoyed about them than I should have been!<br /><br />It was a beautiful sunny day here, I went to lectures in the morning (which were very useful, we heard what our salary is going to be and I got dollar signs in my eyes!) and then had a gap in the afternoon before the Yearbook launch at 5pm, so I went round to visit some friends who live close to the hospital and sat in their garden - they are the only friends I have who have a garden, it's a luxury! Anyway, I sat and read in the sunshine for about 2 hours, it was very pleasant. Until I got inside and got my red vision back (you know how when you've been in the sun a long time you see everything bluey?!), and I looked at my shoulders and thought, oh dear, I look like a LOBSTER!!! 2 measley hours in the sun and I'm burnt to a crisp! Seriously, when I got home from the yearbook launch I had a shower (one of my friends said she heard if you have a hot shower it draws the heat out, I thought anything was worth a try but it doesn't work folks) then had to wander about in my bra for ages while the inch-thick layer of aftersun I smeared all over my shoulders dried in :-(<br /><br />I'm an idiot, I KNOW that I burn easily, but here?! It's crazy. So I'm generating my own heat at the moment, and feeling sorry for myself - there are one or two patches that look like they might blister, so hopefully that won't happen, but I'll be an interesting shade of crimson for several days I think.<br /><br />May as well make use of my thermogenic abilities...bacon, anyone?Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-355765577276465622007-05-31T13:32:00.000-07:002007-05-31T13:45:08.825-07:00Sunshine and showersToday was lovely and sunny, but the previous two days it rained constantly! It was crazy, I mean, it's not unusual to have rain but it's pretty unusual to have solid rain for two days. Where I grew up we had what we used to call the '5 o'clock sun' - basically no matter how crap the weather was, the sun came out sometime in the evening. Admittedly sometimes it wasn't at 5pm, sometimes later, but still.<br /><br />And there's a phrase where I live - 'if you don't like the weather, wait half an hour'!!<br /><br />Have been going to lectures this week - I know, I know, have the exams then the lectures, very weird, but still. Most of them are useful, although I wasn't expecting them to be! Stuff like how to prescribe things, how to hand over well at the end of a shift, and tomorrow we're getting talks about how to handle stress, medicolegal issues and stuff from the BMA.<br /><br />Today, it was a friend's birthday - she started the day in lectures with the rest of us, then managed to win a prize draw for £150 to spend in a shop of her choice! What a cool birthday present! We went out for lunch, me and another friend with nine Malaysians - I feel like a giant next to them, it's disturbing! But they are lovely, so all is well.<br /><br />So not a lot to report - I'm trying to pack up my room in preparation for moving to Big City near to Big City Infirmary in a couple of weeks. It's pretty therapeutic chucking stuff out! The grad ball (or more accurately, the grad ball 3 day extravaganza) is next weekend, I still need an outfit that looks vaguely seventies, any ideas?!Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-26528366606687534942007-05-25T04:18:00.001-07:002007-05-25T04:26:58.390-07:00It's nice here on the other sideSo, today, ladies and gentlemen, I became a DOCTOR. Yes, me. Yes, a doctor. Who'da thunk it?! I have a badge that says so and everything. The results for the final viva exemption exam went up, and I was on the pass list.<br /><br />I'm pretty sure there's been a mistake, but I'm gonna keep quiet about it. Shhhh, don't tell. I'm still waiting for the letter saying I was admitted to medical school because of a clerical error.<br /><br />I'm pretty chuffed, when I really think about it, but honestly it's a bit of an anti-climax. It's like, when you're a kid, and it's your birthday, you feel like you should feel different, sparkly or tingly or something, but actually it just feels like another day (except people give you presents and cake and things). Also a couple of my good friends didn't get so lucky and I'm so gutted for them I could cry. I don't feel like celebrating if I can't celebrate with them, there's no point. <br /><br />Tonight I'm not going to stay in, don't worry, but I'm going to have some Chinese food, wine and a movie with two of my best friends - I started this epic six-year journey with them and it feels right that we should end it together too. There will be much remeniscing, much chat and probably some old photos where some of us look skinny and young (ah, those were the days) and one of us always seems to have coloured icing on his face. What krazy kids we were.<br /><br />So yeah. Dr Joey. Freaky.Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-63844541413506649842007-05-23T13:23:00.000-07:002007-05-23T13:29:55.130-07:00Will you still need me, will you still feed me?Well, I still have exactly 40 years to find out, so for now I will feed myself! Thanks for all the messages people, I felt loved. <br /><br />Have had a really good day, I talked to my family, I went out for lunch with a friend, I offered my *limited* medical skills to a lady who got vasovagal in the bathroom at the cafe and knocked herself out on the sink (I know, I know, can't take me anywhere or I'll try and do something medical), saw another friend who came round in the afternoon, talked to my family again, and now I'm faffing about. Brilliant.<br /><br />The exam is tomorrow, I'm not studying any more. I've read everything I wanted to read, I've been over every angle I can see the examiners picking up on yet I'm sure they will ask something I haven't read about. I've heard mixed reports - some people have had a bit of a grilling, some have had more of a chat, I think it all depends on your examiners and your perspective and expectations, and I'm sure the experience alters with hindsight. <br /><br />This time tomorrow it will all be over, I can't wait for that moment! And 36 hours from now I will know, one way or the other. Wish me luck, I'll see you on the other side!Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-20236810875244000552007-05-20T10:47:00.000-07:002007-05-20T10:55:49.692-07:00Fun in the SunBeen an alright couple of days, I finally managed to do an eensy bit of work, although still not much. Today though I took a break and went to a beach and forest close to my uni city - it was our church summer barbecue, always held in May before all the students disappear. <a href="http://i.pbase.com/o4/04/360704/1/52668423.TentsmuirBeach.jpg">Here</a> <a href="http://k41.pbase.com/v3/04/360704/1/49802446._DSC4561.jpg">are</a> <a href="http://i.pbase.com/v3/04/360704/1/49802453._DSC4638.jpg">some</a> <a href="http://k53.pbase.com/v3/04/360704/1/49802454._DSC4644.jpg">pictures</a>. <br /><br />It was really nice to run about in the sun for a while and play rounders, chuck a ball around and enjoy the sun for a bit. Am now back home, going to do a little work, then we have some friends coming over for a take-away dinner. <br /><br />This is the last week of study, so I'm really going to try and get my head down. It's my birthday on wednesday (gosh I am so old, I found a white hair the other day and was really upset!) so I'll go out for lunch then, and then my viva exam is on thursday. So after that, I'm free! I hope...Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-88839167595895867102007-05-18T09:36:00.000-07:002007-05-18T09:49:48.868-07:00Friends in scary placesToday I had lunch with a good friend who is a medical student in Big Scary Teaching Hospital where I'm starting work in August. It was lovely to see him, although he got stuck in a tutorial so I was wandering about for a while feeling lost and panicking that there were two 'main entrances' and thoroughly regretting my decision to move and wishing I'd chosen to stay in Uni Teaching Hospital where I know my way around and who to be scared of and where things are and I recognise people and feel like I belong!<br /><br />What a wimp. I'm sure I'll get used to it quickly, and it's not the most complicated hospital because although it is massive it is pretty new, so it was built in a sensible way and doesn't have random extra wings tacked on like Uni Hospital. Also it has a lot of artwork on the walls which is good for navigational purposes (oh, look, here's the big wooden thing, I must be near radiology.......of course this bites the dust if they ever move the art around...). I'm getting more scared by the day, it's all going to be new and they have different blood bottles and a different bleep system and I don't know anybody, but thankfully if there's an arrest the number is the same!<br /><br />Anyway it was great to see my friend, who is currently my only friend in a big, alien, rumoured-to-be-not-that-friendly hospital, and I appreciate that and him so much! He's even offered to come and do some bloods for me because they don't get much chance at his med school. What a sweetheart.<br /><br />Back at uni now, after picking up the car and driving back (and feeling quite sleepy - had the occasional moment where I thought, 'oh, I can't see' and realised in a truly petrifying manner that my eyes were CLOSED and that's why I couldn't see! Cue opening windows and turning up music! DO NOT tell my mother about that bit!). Feeling actually like I'd like to do some work tonight, which is awesome, must capitalise on motivation while I can!Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-45108815294065794332007-05-17T10:49:00.000-07:002007-05-18T09:13:23.248-07:00Home on the rangeI write this from home, where I shall shortly move permanently, on the very snazzy iMac which currently graces the study desk. It's a beaut, but at the moment, since the study has become Editing Suite Extraordinaire while my brother is working on stuff for the band, there is the iMac screen, then another screen, then a tv all on the desk, so I feel a bit overwhelmed by technology! The weirdest thing is that I click on the safari icon on one screen and the window opens on another screen, and the mouse cursor moves between the two. Clever.<br /><br />It's nice to be back, although I may feel the need to clean things in a while - my brother's flatmate is fastidious about his personal appearance but doesn't lift a finger otherwise, and consequently I am baulking a bit about having to clean my contact lenses in a bathroom where you can no longer tell what colour the tiles are! This current flatmate is moving out in the summer and a different guy, who just so happens to be the drummer in the band and a bit of a neat freak (hallelujah!) is moving in, so all will be well when I live here!<br /><br />It's always nice to see my brother Stephen, and always interesting to see what he looks like - he changes something every couple of weeks! I understand that he has to be on trend for the type of music they play, but I still find it very entertaining that he knows more about hair than I do! He's starting to get recognised now - we went to pick up a copy of a music magazine in which there is a very glowing review of the band, and some girl gave him her email address, which was weird but good!<br /><br />Anyway, I like to have the chance to catch up on band developments, fashion changes and things when I'm home, but on this particular occasion he had a slightly disturbing tale to tell...<br /><br />(You should know, my brother is <a href="http://a532.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/01054/13/52/1054472531_l.jpg">not ugly</a>. In the slightest. He has never even seen the ugly tree, whereas I clipped a few branches on the way down...it's ok, I'm fine with it, I got the brains, he got the braun!)<br /><br />Part time, Stephen works late shifts in a busy bar/club in town in order to fund his developing rock-and-roll lifestyle (!!). Mostly these shifts go off without a hitch, but recently, he was working on a pretty quiet bar, mainly serving two American men. He wasn't alone, there was another female staff member, who was chatting to the men too.<br /><br />As the night progressed, they chatted to these two guys while serving other people. Then one of the guys calls my brother over to a quiet corner of the bar and beckons him to listen:<br /><br />GUY: So what time do you get off work?<br />STEPHEN: 4am. Why?<br />G: Want to make some money?<br />[I have sussed what's going on already - naive brother has no idea]<br />S: Sure, doing what?<br />G: You know where the ****** hotel is?<br />S: Yeah...(getting suspicious)<br />G: Well, you could meet me there.<br />S: But why?<br />G: We could, you know, fool around and stuff.<br />S: (horrified) NO WAY!!!!!!<br />G: Oh, ok, how about for £100?<br />S: NO WAY!!!<br />G: Ok, is that not enough? How about £200?<br />S: No, I don't think you understand me, I said NO WAY!!<br />G: Oh, sorry, £300?<br />S: (growing more horrified by the second) What part of NO WAY do you not understand?!<br />G: Oh, right, ok.<br /><br />[Guy exits, Stephen relays the story, traumatised, to his colleague. Shift forwards a few hours, the men are about to leave...]<br /><br />Guy: How about £400?<br />S: (verging on GBH) NOOOOOOO WWWAAAAAAYYYYYY!!<br /><br />...man, I was so horrified! If I'd been in the bar I would have said (after I had knocked the guy senseless for hitting on my straight-as-an-arrow brother, oh my word) that solicitation is illegal in this country and I'd take his £400 as payment for not shopping him to the fuzz!<br /><br />My word! Once I'd got over the horror, it was actually pretty funny, but what was even funnier was the look on Stephen's face as he was saying, 'but I was just being nice, why do people not understand that I'm just being nice?!'<br /><br />So that was the main shocker of the day, but also the main hilarity! Poor kid, apparently it's not the first time he's been hit on by a guy and not had a clue what's going on, it seems that it's not possible to look individual and still convince people that you don't paddle the kayak that way!<br /><br />Back to uni tomorrow, final stretch...must...study...must....learn......useful.........things...............<br /><br />Wish me luck!Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-88289156138222361162007-05-15T06:13:00.000-07:002007-05-15T06:47:21.531-07:00Change of heart?Had a good day yesterday, despite not doing any work whatsoever! (Unless watching ER counts...) Went with my <a href="http://www.meandmyyak.blogspot.com/">lovely friend</a> to Local Posh Area where there is a beach and lots of nice shops and cafes to wander around. We had some lunch, talked about medicine a bit, which might be thought of as work, wandered around the shops, went for a walk on the beach and generally enjoyed the sunshine (yes, the sun was shining!). Enjoyed it, was a great way to not-work. I figure if you are going to skive, you should do something fun with your day!<br /><br />Today has got off to a similar start, but I am DETERMINED to do something this afternoon! Perhaps I should change my working remit though? If I think, 'I am working for the portfolio exam' then I tend not to do anything useful and just get cross about it instead, but perhaps if I think 'I am working because I start work in 8 weeks and people will die if I don't know stuff' then I will feel The Fear which is a very good motivator! I know that this thought is something of a hyperbole, I would hope that if I don't know something then someone else more senior will come and help me, but that rather detracts from The Fear, which as mentioned I need in order to work!<br /><br />My parents called the other day and told me about their summer plans - it gets VERY hot in <a href="http://www.smpp.northwestern.edu/~jim/map/map_middle_east.gif">their part of the world</a> during the summer, so they are planning to be 'swallows' and fly back west where it's cooler for a bit! (Oh, and they also might be coming for that graduation thingy that I have to go to!) Anyway, they are coming back at the start of July for a couple of weeks, then my dad has to go back out and hold the fort for a while, but my mum is staying for 2 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!! I am SO EXCITED!!!! Man, I miss them LOADS and it will be so awesome to have them back, and to have my mum for so long is brilliant. She wanted to be here for when I start work, and is staying till the end of August so will achieve that! My dad's coming back for a couple of weeks at the end of August so they'll go back together. So much looking forward to some good parent time, they've been away over a year now but so far I've been able to see them a fair bit - on the way to my <a href="http://www.planetranger.com/israel">elective</a> last summer, then for a while on the way back, then a few other wee trips too.<br /><br />I am also hoping that my dad will help me buy a car (hopefully <a href="http://www.autoclub.com.au/uploaded_images/toyota-yaris-yrx-2006-789050.jpg">this one</a>) while he's home - I currently 'share' a massive Nissan almera with my brother (by this I mean he has it most of the time and I occasionally get a look-in) but I really need my own, and I don't want to buy my first car without my dad (yeah, I know, 'but Jo you're an adult grow up etc etc') and also I need help with finances until September when the cash starts rolling in!<br /><br />Right, enough spraffing, really must go and learn useful things now, like when to call the procurator fiscal, which I have no idea about!Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-4041215588749697432007-05-14T04:30:00.000-07:002007-05-14T04:36:20.313-07:00Motivation? Where?Gaaaaah, it's now ten days till the dreaded portfolio viva exam which will elevate me to the long-awaited Doctor Joey, and I am having trouble studying! <br /><br />Today I have hit the snooze button about 20 times (actually, some of the time I just switched the alarm off for half an hour to save waking up every 8 minutes to press the button again), got up, did some cardio, had a shower, dealt with emails, listened to some music, ate my Special K, and now I'm really hoping that when I've dried my still-all-wet hair it will be lunchtime so I can put off learning stuff for a bit longer!<br /><br />Apologies for the lack of funny stuff to post about these days, apparently exams and studying just aren't that amusing...I'll endeavour to improve on the funnies soon, I promise.<br /><br />Right, it's definitely lunch time now, more skiving coming up!Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-31040930619957809372007-05-13T08:44:00.000-07:002007-05-13T09:07:24.047-07:00Social conscienceWhat happened to spring?! I'm so cold! Plus I put the heating on yesterday and when we got up this morning we found a big puddle on the kitchen floor under the boiler, which is never good, so we are kind of afraid to put it on again, which means many jumpers and much shivering. And several pairs of socks.<br /><br />I've really enjoyed being sociable this weekend, although I've seemed to manage to offend people left, right and centre - mainly Offended Flatmate (who is a bit sensitive if you ask me), but I've been coming back from these social gatherings and wondering how I did. <br /><br />I often wonder this, ever since I was a kid and used to say stupid things around strange adults who used to come to our house a lot (usually my parents knew them, but as a kid they all look pretty similar), which I'm sure was embarrassing for my mum, but what do you expect if you put a kid in a be-polite-to-the-guests situation almost every sunday?! One such guest was a colleague of my dad's, and I always thought he was a bit weird...anyway he came back to visit when I was in early uni sometime and reminded me that he had come for lunch and I had kicked my brother under the dining table. Thanks for that, I thought, I really needed reminding of my ineptitude in social situations!<br /><br />The thing is, I either talk too much, or I don't talk enough, or I don't follow the conversation closely enough and end up saying something really inappropriate. Once we had someone staying at our house who I didn't know and have not met since, but I was home for the weekend before some exams and was really stressed out, which always rids me of any social graces I still had. Anyway, I had seen my primary school teacher at some event or other and she hadn't recognised me, and I said later, 'oh, I don't care, I'll make more money than her one day anyway.' WHAT?!?!? Who was this monster who said that?! I don't care about money! It was such a ridiculous thing to say, my mother was horrified, I have no idea why I said it, and it still haunts me to guess at what this poor woman who was staying must think of me. <br /><br />During third year of uni I got really depressed for quite a long time, and to be honest I don't remember a lot of those months - apparently I wrote a Cochrane review for a paper that one of my supervisors was writing, but I have no recollection of doing so. I basically hid in my room for about 6 months and avoided all forms of social contact, because it was too hard for me to smile and say 'fine thanks' when people asked how I was and I really wanted to die and not smile ever again. I stopped going to any events where there were lots of people, especially happy people - Place To Avoid #1 was the uni Christian Union, which, though I was an active member for many years, was always a place inexplicably full of perfect slim blonde (usually Irish) girls with perfect teeth and pearl earrings, and since I never really fitted in with these people to start with (my friends are an altogether more normal-looking bunch, who I love dearly - this means you, people who I know read this!) it took more effort than I had to smile back at them and say, 'yeah, fine thanks, six miracles in my life this week, how about you?'<br /><br />I actually hate it when people ask 'how are you?' and don't listen to a proper answer - especially I hate it when people say how are you as they pass me in the corridor without breaking their gait, it's so pointless! But after a little experimentation, I discovered that as long as I smiled and nodded I could say anything and they wouldn't notice. I tried this out on a bloke I used to date (who to be fair was not noted for his observation skills), and when he asked how I was I smiled and said, 'pretty terrible actually, life is really crap at the moment' and he said 'oh, that's great, pleased to hear it'. Wonderful.<br /><br />How did I get onto all this? Ah yes, social stuff...<br /><br />Anyway, the main thing is that I spend a lot of time after social gatherings wondering 'how I did' - did I say anything disgraceful? Did I join in the banter/teasing of someone with too much gusto? Did anyone actually want me there at all?! Did I talk too much? And so on and so on ad nauseum.<br /><br />I'm so much better than I was in third year, not depressed at all any more, but somehow this fear of social situations seems to be the thing that still lingers (along with some excess weight, thank you mirtazapine). I wonder if I'll ever shake it?Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-37414627170287819652007-05-11T08:27:00.000-07:002007-05-11T08:36:08.883-07:00Several thingsStill feeling terrible about offending the flatmate, but the other flatmate says she has walking on eggshells all week so I should just put it all down to stress...haven't seen Offended Flatmate since the incident so hopefully she won't kill me when she comes home! Gah I can't wait to live with boys, they are so much easier, and next year one of the boys I'm living with is my brother, so no hassles there!<br /><br />The portfolio got handed in today, which was a great relief - I'm so pleased to be rid of it! Again is was a great disappointment actually handing it over. Where was the parade? Where were the balloons? Where were the party poppers and the cake? I was very upset. All I got was, 'right. Fine. Next?'<br /><br />Disappointing.<br /><br />I've got quite a sociable weekend coming up, which is great because I've been such a boring recluse recently. Tonight I'm going to a wine and cheese party for some friends who are leaving soon, which sounds very civilised, and it will be nice to see some people and chill out for a bit. Then tomorrow I'm going to another friend's birthday picnic, which will be awesome! I really hope it doesn't rain, it's been weird weather here recently.<br /><br />So hopefully I'll get some chillout time this weekend, I'm reading a great book and I'm planning not to do much work if any until monday, when it starts again in earnest to prepare for the portfolio exam which is on the 24th.<br /><br />What are your weekend plans? I hope you have fun...Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2703139392400902093.post-60184801325748142112007-05-10T11:59:00.000-07:002007-05-10T12:11:19.910-07:00ShameI am feeling awful right now - I just really upset my flatmate and I had no idea, and now I feel terrible about it. It was just some careless comment I made days ago and had forgotten about, I mentioned Tchaikovsky and she said, 'who's Tchaikovsky' and I thought she was kidding and laughed, then teased her a bit about not having heard of Tchaikovsky, which I guess was mean, but I just thought it was a general knowledge thing not a specialist musical thing.<br /><br />Then this evening she asked what work I had left to do now that my portfolio is finished (yes, finished!!) and I said I had to study for my viva which is 2 weeks today, and she asked if my viva exam is a written exam and I said no it's a viva and she got really upset and said she didn't know what a viva was and I was making her feel stupid and I feel AWFUL about it. I totally didn't mean to upset her, I didn't know that she didn't know what a viva was, do all courses not call interview-style exams vivas? <br /><br />Anyway, I went and apologised and she said it was ok but I think she's still mad at me. I don't think she's stupid at all, but she seems to think I do, and apparently I haven't done much to convince her otherwise, but I had no idea.<br /><br />Man, I am such a horrible person, I'm going to my room to hang my head in shame. What a bitch.Dr Joeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02848172433620416818noreply@blogger.com1