Gaaaaah, it's now ten days till the dreaded portfolio viva exam which will elevate me to the long-awaited Doctor Joey, and I am having trouble studying!
Today I have hit the snooze button about 20 times (actually, some of the time I just switched the alarm off for half an hour to save waking up every 8 minutes to press the button again), got up, did some cardio, had a shower, dealt with emails, listened to some music, ate my Special K, and now I'm really hoping that when I've dried my still-all-wet hair it will be lunchtime so I can put off learning stuff for a bit longer!
Apologies for the lack of funny stuff to post about these days, apparently exams and studying just aren't that amusing...I'll endeavour to improve on the funnies soon, I promise.
Right, it's definitely lunch time now, more skiving coming up!
Monday, 14 May 2007
Sunday, 13 May 2007
Social conscience
What happened to spring?! I'm so cold! Plus I put the heating on yesterday and when we got up this morning we found a big puddle on the kitchen floor under the boiler, which is never good, so we are kind of afraid to put it on again, which means many jumpers and much shivering. And several pairs of socks.
I've really enjoyed being sociable this weekend, although I've seemed to manage to offend people left, right and centre - mainly Offended Flatmate (who is a bit sensitive if you ask me), but I've been coming back from these social gatherings and wondering how I did.
I often wonder this, ever since I was a kid and used to say stupid things around strange adults who used to come to our house a lot (usually my parents knew them, but as a kid they all look pretty similar), which I'm sure was embarrassing for my mum, but what do you expect if you put a kid in a be-polite-to-the-guests situation almost every sunday?! One such guest was a colleague of my dad's, and I always thought he was a bit weird...anyway he came back to visit when I was in early uni sometime and reminded me that he had come for lunch and I had kicked my brother under the dining table. Thanks for that, I thought, I really needed reminding of my ineptitude in social situations!
The thing is, I either talk too much, or I don't talk enough, or I don't follow the conversation closely enough and end up saying something really inappropriate. Once we had someone staying at our house who I didn't know and have not met since, but I was home for the weekend before some exams and was really stressed out, which always rids me of any social graces I still had. Anyway, I had seen my primary school teacher at some event or other and she hadn't recognised me, and I said later, 'oh, I don't care, I'll make more money than her one day anyway.' WHAT?!?!? Who was this monster who said that?! I don't care about money! It was such a ridiculous thing to say, my mother was horrified, I have no idea why I said it, and it still haunts me to guess at what this poor woman who was staying must think of me.
During third year of uni I got really depressed for quite a long time, and to be honest I don't remember a lot of those months - apparently I wrote a Cochrane review for a paper that one of my supervisors was writing, but I have no recollection of doing so. I basically hid in my room for about 6 months and avoided all forms of social contact, because it was too hard for me to smile and say 'fine thanks' when people asked how I was and I really wanted to die and not smile ever again. I stopped going to any events where there were lots of people, especially happy people - Place To Avoid #1 was the uni Christian Union, which, though I was an active member for many years, was always a place inexplicably full of perfect slim blonde (usually Irish) girls with perfect teeth and pearl earrings, and since I never really fitted in with these people to start with (my friends are an altogether more normal-looking bunch, who I love dearly - this means you, people who I know read this!) it took more effort than I had to smile back at them and say, 'yeah, fine thanks, six miracles in my life this week, how about you?'
I actually hate it when people ask 'how are you?' and don't listen to a proper answer - especially I hate it when people say how are you as they pass me in the corridor without breaking their gait, it's so pointless! But after a little experimentation, I discovered that as long as I smiled and nodded I could say anything and they wouldn't notice. I tried this out on a bloke I used to date (who to be fair was not noted for his observation skills), and when he asked how I was I smiled and said, 'pretty terrible actually, life is really crap at the moment' and he said 'oh, that's great, pleased to hear it'. Wonderful.
How did I get onto all this? Ah yes, social stuff...
Anyway, the main thing is that I spend a lot of time after social gatherings wondering 'how I did' - did I say anything disgraceful? Did I join in the banter/teasing of someone with too much gusto? Did anyone actually want me there at all?! Did I talk too much? And so on and so on ad nauseum.
I'm so much better than I was in third year, not depressed at all any more, but somehow this fear of social situations seems to be the thing that still lingers (along with some excess weight, thank you mirtazapine). I wonder if I'll ever shake it?
I've really enjoyed being sociable this weekend, although I've seemed to manage to offend people left, right and centre - mainly Offended Flatmate (who is a bit sensitive if you ask me), but I've been coming back from these social gatherings and wondering how I did.
I often wonder this, ever since I was a kid and used to say stupid things around strange adults who used to come to our house a lot (usually my parents knew them, but as a kid they all look pretty similar), which I'm sure was embarrassing for my mum, but what do you expect if you put a kid in a be-polite-to-the-guests situation almost every sunday?! One such guest was a colleague of my dad's, and I always thought he was a bit weird...anyway he came back to visit when I was in early uni sometime and reminded me that he had come for lunch and I had kicked my brother under the dining table. Thanks for that, I thought, I really needed reminding of my ineptitude in social situations!
The thing is, I either talk too much, or I don't talk enough, or I don't follow the conversation closely enough and end up saying something really inappropriate. Once we had someone staying at our house who I didn't know and have not met since, but I was home for the weekend before some exams and was really stressed out, which always rids me of any social graces I still had. Anyway, I had seen my primary school teacher at some event or other and she hadn't recognised me, and I said later, 'oh, I don't care, I'll make more money than her one day anyway.' WHAT?!?!? Who was this monster who said that?! I don't care about money! It was such a ridiculous thing to say, my mother was horrified, I have no idea why I said it, and it still haunts me to guess at what this poor woman who was staying must think of me.
During third year of uni I got really depressed for quite a long time, and to be honest I don't remember a lot of those months - apparently I wrote a Cochrane review for a paper that one of my supervisors was writing, but I have no recollection of doing so. I basically hid in my room for about 6 months and avoided all forms of social contact, because it was too hard for me to smile and say 'fine thanks' when people asked how I was and I really wanted to die and not smile ever again. I stopped going to any events where there were lots of people, especially happy people - Place To Avoid #1 was the uni Christian Union, which, though I was an active member for many years, was always a place inexplicably full of perfect slim blonde (usually Irish) girls with perfect teeth and pearl earrings, and since I never really fitted in with these people to start with (my friends are an altogether more normal-looking bunch, who I love dearly - this means you, people who I know read this!) it took more effort than I had to smile back at them and say, 'yeah, fine thanks, six miracles in my life this week, how about you?'
I actually hate it when people ask 'how are you?' and don't listen to a proper answer - especially I hate it when people say how are you as they pass me in the corridor without breaking their gait, it's so pointless! But after a little experimentation, I discovered that as long as I smiled and nodded I could say anything and they wouldn't notice. I tried this out on a bloke I used to date (who to be fair was not noted for his observation skills), and when he asked how I was I smiled and said, 'pretty terrible actually, life is really crap at the moment' and he said 'oh, that's great, pleased to hear it'. Wonderful.
How did I get onto all this? Ah yes, social stuff...
Anyway, the main thing is that I spend a lot of time after social gatherings wondering 'how I did' - did I say anything disgraceful? Did I join in the banter/teasing of someone with too much gusto? Did anyone actually want me there at all?! Did I talk too much? And so on and so on ad nauseum.
I'm so much better than I was in third year, not depressed at all any more, but somehow this fear of social situations seems to be the thing that still lingers (along with some excess weight, thank you mirtazapine). I wonder if I'll ever shake it?
Friday, 11 May 2007
Several things
Still feeling terrible about offending the flatmate, but the other flatmate says she has walking on eggshells all week so I should just put it all down to stress...haven't seen Offended Flatmate since the incident so hopefully she won't kill me when she comes home! Gah I can't wait to live with boys, they are so much easier, and next year one of the boys I'm living with is my brother, so no hassles there!
The portfolio got handed in today, which was a great relief - I'm so pleased to be rid of it! Again is was a great disappointment actually handing it over. Where was the parade? Where were the balloons? Where were the party poppers and the cake? I was very upset. All I got was, 'right. Fine. Next?'
Disappointing.
I've got quite a sociable weekend coming up, which is great because I've been such a boring recluse recently. Tonight I'm going to a wine and cheese party for some friends who are leaving soon, which sounds very civilised, and it will be nice to see some people and chill out for a bit. Then tomorrow I'm going to another friend's birthday picnic, which will be awesome! I really hope it doesn't rain, it's been weird weather here recently.
So hopefully I'll get some chillout time this weekend, I'm reading a great book and I'm planning not to do much work if any until monday, when it starts again in earnest to prepare for the portfolio exam which is on the 24th.
What are your weekend plans? I hope you have fun...
The portfolio got handed in today, which was a great relief - I'm so pleased to be rid of it! Again is was a great disappointment actually handing it over. Where was the parade? Where were the balloons? Where were the party poppers and the cake? I was very upset. All I got was, 'right. Fine. Next?'
Disappointing.
I've got quite a sociable weekend coming up, which is great because I've been such a boring recluse recently. Tonight I'm going to a wine and cheese party for some friends who are leaving soon, which sounds very civilised, and it will be nice to see some people and chill out for a bit. Then tomorrow I'm going to another friend's birthday picnic, which will be awesome! I really hope it doesn't rain, it's been weird weather here recently.
So hopefully I'll get some chillout time this weekend, I'm reading a great book and I'm planning not to do much work if any until monday, when it starts again in earnest to prepare for the portfolio exam which is on the 24th.
What are your weekend plans? I hope you have fun...
Thursday, 10 May 2007
Shame
I am feeling awful right now - I just really upset my flatmate and I had no idea, and now I feel terrible about it. It was just some careless comment I made days ago and had forgotten about, I mentioned Tchaikovsky and she said, 'who's Tchaikovsky' and I thought she was kidding and laughed, then teased her a bit about not having heard of Tchaikovsky, which I guess was mean, but I just thought it was a general knowledge thing not a specialist musical thing.
Then this evening she asked what work I had left to do now that my portfolio is finished (yes, finished!!) and I said I had to study for my viva which is 2 weeks today, and she asked if my viva exam is a written exam and I said no it's a viva and she got really upset and said she didn't know what a viva was and I was making her feel stupid and I feel AWFUL about it. I totally didn't mean to upset her, I didn't know that she didn't know what a viva was, do all courses not call interview-style exams vivas?
Anyway, I went and apologised and she said it was ok but I think she's still mad at me. I don't think she's stupid at all, but she seems to think I do, and apparently I haven't done much to convince her otherwise, but I had no idea.
Man, I am such a horrible person, I'm going to my room to hang my head in shame. What a bitch.
Then this evening she asked what work I had left to do now that my portfolio is finished (yes, finished!!) and I said I had to study for my viva which is 2 weeks today, and she asked if my viva exam is a written exam and I said no it's a viva and she got really upset and said she didn't know what a viva was and I was making her feel stupid and I feel AWFUL about it. I totally didn't mean to upset her, I didn't know that she didn't know what a viva was, do all courses not call interview-style exams vivas?
Anyway, I went and apologised and she said it was ok but I think she's still mad at me. I don't think she's stupid at all, but she seems to think I do, and apparently I haven't done much to convince her otherwise, but I had no idea.
Man, I am such a horrible person, I'm going to my room to hang my head in shame. What a bitch.
Profound
My final portfolio for this endless degree is due tomorrow, and I am playing solitaire.
There is no fun in doing nothing when you have nothing to do. Idleness, like kisses, to be sweet must be stolen.
-Jerome K Jerome
Monday, 7 May 2007
Terror again
Today has been a day of many things. First of all, I did an exam - it's not a major one, it's a computer assessment that we have sat every year since first year, and the idea is that we improve our percentage scores over the years until, in 5th year, we are meant to pass it. The pass mark is 70%, and last year I got 78%, so I wasn't that worried - I really hope it hasn't backfired on me! I did study for it, honest!
Secondly, I did some work on my portfolio, which is due on friday, and which was very boring but necessary.
Thirdly, I did some boxing and it felt awesome! Really enjoyed it as usual.
Fourthly, I GOT MY JOBS ALLOCATION which is really good to know, but TERRIFYING again! My scariest job would be to start in acute receiving, on nights, with the arrest bleep. And guess where I'm starting? Acute receiving. In Big City Infirmary. Ooooooooh I am so scared, I can't stop giggling! I really hope it's not on nights or with the arrest bleep. I may start throwing up now, with several weeks to go before starting!
So, the lowdown: 2 months in acute receiving with 2 months of GI medicine in Big City Infirmary, then 4 months general surgery in Big City Infirmary, then 4 months general medicine in Fairly Nearby DGH. So all in all, my ideal jobs! More medicine than surgery, some time in acute receiving, and some time in both a big teaching hospital and a DGH.
But man, am I scared!!
Secondly, I did some work on my portfolio, which is due on friday, and which was very boring but necessary.
Thirdly, I did some boxing and it felt awesome! Really enjoyed it as usual.
Fourthly, I GOT MY JOBS ALLOCATION which is really good to know, but TERRIFYING again! My scariest job would be to start in acute receiving, on nights, with the arrest bleep. And guess where I'm starting? Acute receiving. In Big City Infirmary. Ooooooooh I am so scared, I can't stop giggling! I really hope it's not on nights or with the arrest bleep. I may start throwing up now, with several weeks to go before starting!
So, the lowdown: 2 months in acute receiving with 2 months of GI medicine in Big City Infirmary, then 4 months general surgery in Big City Infirmary, then 4 months general medicine in Fairly Nearby DGH. So all in all, my ideal jobs! More medicine than surgery, some time in acute receiving, and some time in both a big teaching hospital and a DGH.
But man, am I scared!!
Thursday, 3 May 2007
End of an era
I'm writing this on the eve of my last day on the wards as a medical student! Man, it's been a long time coming. I don't think bricking it is the term really any more, I've reached a whole new level of stress, which is manifesting itself on the ward in a variety of embarassing ways...
Firstly, I have developed a fear of the blood book. Each day on the ward round, one of the juniors has the folder with all the blood results in it and, if asked, tells The Boss what the bloods are doing. Now, the old Joey would actually quite like holding the blood book because it gave her something to do, but the scared new one is terrified that when asked she will either say the wrong value, not be paying attention, or, most likely, forget the normal parameters for the results (which are not written on the sheet) and read out something plum normal when asked for the abnormal values. Much potential for mistakes, especially with Terrifying Registrar around.
[I had to bleep her the other day, I was shaking, but she was nice, so that was good, and I live to see another day!]
Secondly, I have started to miss bloods. Especially when I go to see a patient, blood tray in hand, thinking I will be fine (as I always used to be), and the patient says, 'oh, well, you can try, but Dr X tried 10 times yesterday and couldn't get a drop', at which point I almost immediately adopt a defeatist attitude and think, 'oh well, I'll never get this' and give up after the third attempt rather than carrying on till I get something. I bet if there are more senior people reading this, they will think I am a moron, but please remember the days when to you this was a big deal too, I'm not a total fool, I just want to get it right!
Then there's the slightly panicky going back to patients after I have taken the bloods (especially ABGs, man, especially those) and checking the puncture site to make sure that they are not bleeding all over the place or I have not knackered their arteries so their hands go blue and then black and then fall off and I get sued.
Now you are thinking, 'call the shrinks, this girl's a nutter!' but it gets better!
What if, when I start work, I prescribe paracetamol for someone's pain, and they have actually already had some and they get liver failure and it's my fault? Or what if, when I start work, I prescribe ibuprofen and someone gets a peptic ulcer and bleeds out and dies and it's my fault? Or what if I miss their crazy arrhythmia on the ECG and they die and it's my fault?!?!?!
See a pattern here?!
I'm getting a bit sleep deprived because I stay awake thinking about all the things that can go wrong, so my bedtime reading has, for the last week, consisted of frantic cramming of medical knowledge in a vain, petrified attempt to avoid such disasters.
I said once in this post that fear was a good thing, but at this magnitude, and so early? Am I going to be like this in worsening degrees until the dreaded 1st August?! I really hope not because I need more sleep than this!
Right, I have to go write up a case for my assessment tomorrow, but to end this on a totally un-medical more positive note, I have recently started to do some boxing again - I used to go to Muay Thai kickboxing training on a wednesday night for a few years, and I absolutely loved it, but then I had a few shoulder injuries (that looked like this) and had to call it a day for a bit, but I have started again very gingerly and am getting huge endorphin rushes from it, it feels amazing!
But now to the case, no more procrastination...
Firstly, I have developed a fear of the blood book. Each day on the ward round, one of the juniors has the folder with all the blood results in it and, if asked, tells The Boss what the bloods are doing. Now, the old Joey would actually quite like holding the blood book because it gave her something to do, but the scared new one is terrified that when asked she will either say the wrong value, not be paying attention, or, most likely, forget the normal parameters for the results (which are not written on the sheet) and read out something plum normal when asked for the abnormal values. Much potential for mistakes, especially with Terrifying Registrar around.
[I had to bleep her the other day, I was shaking, but she was nice, so that was good, and I live to see another day!]
Secondly, I have started to miss bloods. Especially when I go to see a patient, blood tray in hand, thinking I will be fine (as I always used to be), and the patient says, 'oh, well, you can try, but Dr X tried 10 times yesterday and couldn't get a drop', at which point I almost immediately adopt a defeatist attitude and think, 'oh well, I'll never get this' and give up after the third attempt rather than carrying on till I get something. I bet if there are more senior people reading this, they will think I am a moron, but please remember the days when to you this was a big deal too, I'm not a total fool, I just want to get it right!
Then there's the slightly panicky going back to patients after I have taken the bloods (especially ABGs, man, especially those) and checking the puncture site to make sure that they are not bleeding all over the place or I have not knackered their arteries so their hands go blue and then black and then fall off and I get sued.
Now you are thinking, 'call the shrinks, this girl's a nutter!' but it gets better!
What if, when I start work, I prescribe paracetamol for someone's pain, and they have actually already had some and they get liver failure and it's my fault? Or what if, when I start work, I prescribe ibuprofen and someone gets a peptic ulcer and bleeds out and dies and it's my fault? Or what if I miss their crazy arrhythmia on the ECG and they die and it's my fault?!?!?!
See a pattern here?!
I'm getting a bit sleep deprived because I stay awake thinking about all the things that can go wrong, so my bedtime reading has, for the last week, consisted of frantic cramming of medical knowledge in a vain, petrified attempt to avoid such disasters.
I said once in this post that fear was a good thing, but at this magnitude, and so early? Am I going to be like this in worsening degrees until the dreaded 1st August?! I really hope not because I need more sleep than this!
Right, I have to go write up a case for my assessment tomorrow, but to end this on a totally un-medical more positive note, I have recently started to do some boxing again - I used to go to Muay Thai kickboxing training on a wednesday night for a few years, and I absolutely loved it, but then I had a few shoulder injuries (that looked like this) and had to call it a day for a bit, but I have started again very gingerly and am getting huge endorphin rushes from it, it feels amazing!
But now to the case, no more procrastination...
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